We Need to Talk About Bipolar Disorder So That You Don’t Do It Behind My Back

We Need to Talk About Bipolar Disorder So That You Don’t Do It Behind My Back

 

I remember taking an anatomy and physiology exam when I was a Sophomore in college.

I had taken a year off from nursing to get my political science minor so I entered nursing school with a group of 45 strangers, none of which particularly wanted to spend any time with me. Surprisingly, the day before, I actually got an invitation to study with some girls from class.

Looking back, I should have said no.

I was sipping on weak coffee with way too much sugar when I heard a girl’s voice dig a hole a self loathing for me that I would spend years trying to climb my way out of.

“I had a hard time remembering what a bipolar neuron was,” I heard her say. “Since the bipolar neuron is responsible for photoreceptors in the eye, I just think of someone who is bipolar, and how I never want to see them, because they’re usually an absolute mess.”

All of the girls laughed and I almost dropped my coffee cup…or smashed it over her head. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe, and I wanted to be anywhere but that poorly lit cafeteria with a girl who didn’t seem to care about one of our country’s most marginalized and generalized people. Despite my better judgment, I slammed my cup on the table, gathered my things, and bailed. I left, ran into a bathroom, and cried my eyes out.

  1. When were you diagnosed? Just before I turned 19 years old.
  2. How many people are bipolar? About 3% of the American population.
  3. Did you have any idea that you were bipolar? No. I just thought I was moody.
  4. Isn’t it just an excuse to treat people badly? No.
  5. It must be nice to have meds you can take to calm you down. The rest of us have to stress. Not how it works at all, but whatever.
  6. Has bipolar been the reason for any break ups? Yes. It happens.
  7. What does bipolar II mean? It means that I’m more depressed than I am manic. I do have episodes of mania, but not as severe as those with type I.
  8. What has the disease taught you so far? People leave when things get hard.
  9. You look tired. Yeah. I am most of the time.
  10. Are you scared that if you have kids, they’ll be bipolar? Yeah. It terrifies me.
  11. A lot of patients are addicts. Have you ever been? Yes.
  12. How does it feel to be a manic pixie dream girl? I wouldn’t know. I will not be fodder for some sad young writer’s work. Don’t reduce me to a stereotype.
  13. Do you feel alone? All the time. You go through a type of emotional turmoil that’s hard to communicate and hard to find in others.
  14. Are you sure you’re not doing this for attention? 100% positive.
  15. You lost weight! Thanks! Lamictal makes me not want to eat!
  16. I wish you’d stop talking about it so much. I wish you’d stop talking about The Bachelor, but I don’t want to be rude about it.
  17. What’s gotten worse over the years? My sensitivity. My self esteem. My jealousy.
  18. What’s gotten better over the years? My understanding of emotion. My empathy. My sense of justice.
  19. What’s your biggest regret? Not getting ride of my non supportive friends sooner.
  20. You don’t seem sick. It’s mostly because I hide it exceptionally well. It tends to make people uncomfortable.
  21. What does it feel like to swing? It feels like the world has gone suddenly dark, and that everything good has disappeared.
  22. It’s not that big of a deal. I almost died from overdosing on pills because of it, so I’d say it’s a big deal.
  23. Do you have any funny mania stories? Always.

 

296.89 Project #2: What About Laura?

296.89 Project #2: What About Laura?

Loneliness. 

One of the most dangerous emotions I feel, if not the most dangerous. Being an extrovert, I need human interaction or I suffer.

I’m focusing on self portraits and taking one shot photos of what I look like in a swing: no posing, no retakes. Just my face. You never realize how much a facial expression can tell you.

Chapped lips: I forget to drink water most of the time. 

Unkempt appearance: I think I’ve stopped caring at all. 

Furrowed brow and wider eyes: Deep, aching sadness. 

Droopy eyes and dark circles: I’ve kind of hit a wall. 

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Music recommendation: In Collusion with The Waves by Seas of Years

Film recommendation: “What About Bob?” starring my hero Bill Murray

2016 GOP Presidential Election Quotations for the Uninformed

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As the 2016 race heats up, I wanted to write a post to help those of voting age who don’t necessarily pay attention make a decision as to who their preferred candidate will be. I’ve seen far too many biased Fox News, MSNBC, CNN, etc. articles and wanted to paint an actual portrait of each  major candidate, using the words straight from the mouths of these babes.

Representing the GOP, the party composed mainly of rich white males who prefer their women silent and botoxed:

Jeb Bush Speaks At The Reagan Library About His New Book   JEB BUSH

Pros: Brother to George W. Bush, the accomplished painter

Cons: Brother to George W. Bush, the accomplished painter

“I don’t wake up each morning saying, ‘Oh wow, it’s me. I think I’m the cat’s meow. I’m the best.'”

ben-carson BEN CARSON

Pros: Handsome enough to be cast on “Grey’s Anatomy.”

Cons: Hasn’t grasped the concept of smiling yet.

“I think most people, when they finish [Advanced Placement History], they’d be ready to go sign up for ISIS.”

Trump-Kissing DONALD “THE DON” TRUMP

Pros: Will give it to you straight.

Cons: Is the drunk uncle at the family reunion you felt obligated to invite who will give it to you straight.

“All the women on The Apprentice flirted with me…that’s to be expected.”

ricksantorum_etchasketchmini_robertgalbraith_reuters RICK SANTORUM

Pros: Rocks a mean sweater vest.

Cons: Believes that birth control teleports you to a dangerous sexual realm.

“President Obama once said he wants every American to go to college. What a snob.”

huckabee1 MIKE HUCKABEE

Pros: Would win first place in a Nixon lookalike contest.

Cons: Is friends with the Duggars.

“I’ve never, ever, tasted beer.”

Rick Perry RICK PERRY

Pros: Clark Kent-esque mystique

Cons: Actually doesn’t care about the welfare of others

“Those of you that will be 21 by November 12, I ask for your support and your vote.”

Democratic Presidential Election Quotations for the Uninformed coming soon. 

Malaga Cove (12/24/14)

It’s Christmas Eve, and my brothers and I decided to bike down to downtown Hermosa Beach. By the time we stopped by Sam’s so he could grab his bike, we realized how lazy we were.

“Do you want to just ditch the bikes and just drive up to PV and climb the trail of death?” Sam asked.

Why yes. Yes I do.

Processed with VSCOcam with m3 presetSo we took off and drove along Pacific Coast Highway all the way up to Malaga Cove. It was slightly overcast, but the temperature was a perfect 72. We bumped Ice Cube’s “It Was a Good Day” the whole way there.

We parked and hopped the fence over the “restricted” area (LOL).

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We climbed all the way up the hill, and just kind of watched the waves roll gently. There were a few surfers out, but they were just sitting on their boards. The surf is pretty boring after 1pm.

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It’s so peaceful looking out at the sea cliffs. I live for days like this. I live for adventure, and dirt, and hill climbing, and dangerous hiking.

Yeah. Today was a good day.

Hollyweird (7/14/14)

Okay, so in addition to going bike riding this morning, I met up with one of my best friends to go Amoeba Records on Sunset Blvd. It’s a GIGANTIC music store in Hollywood containing music of every single genre you can think of. It’s riddled with vinyl, CDs, vintage posters, movies, and more. You could spend an entire day in there and not sift through all of the content. 

 

We ended up taking a detour to the Ghirardelli Soda Bar on Hollywood Blvd and….it was heaven. It was beautiful. It was spiritual. 

Keep Hermosa Hermosa (7/14/14)

It was an overcast day, so I thought it would be a great day for a bike ride. My mom and I rode from Manhattan to Hermosa, then got breakfast at Hennessey’s (breakfast is a destination. Always.). 

It’s always funny to witness the difference between the two cities. As you ride closer to Hermosa, the pristine modern strand homes melt into a more more weather-beaten, classic homes.

Redondo Esplanade (7/3/14)

I don’t always end up in South Redondo, but when I do it’s by accident and happenstance.

Just kidding. Kind of. (NORTH REDONDO, WHADDUP.)

My jazz shoes, which I’ve danced in for a good 7 years, had danced their last (murder by bell kick). So, I had to go buy a new pair. It was about 10:00am when I made the painful drive down Pacific Coast Highway, and I ended up getting to the dance store at around 10:25, AND THEY WERE CLOSED! They didn’t open until 11! 

What was I supposed to do for half an hour? I wanted sushi, but who eats sushi at 10:30am? 

So, I decided to drive down the avenues and visit the esplanade.